Happy "RE"Birthday To Me :) part 2 -Picking up the Peices

If you are reading this one and have not read part one (the post right before this one) you may wanna read that one first or this will not make much sense to you.
When I the process of picking up the pieces of what was left i knew I had to make some major changes in my life. Not just in the things that I was doing but in the way that I was thinking too. I remember praying every night that that I would jut be able to sleep that night. My hear was broken and I felt sooooo guilty for just letting brother Crosby pass away and I was still inactive. I wanted to stop thinking about Fernando and I wanted to stop crying. I felt terrible. I couldn't sleep or eat and I didn't even know where to start. I remember that one night in particular, I started to pray and the hymn "Count Your Blessings" came into my head. For those of you who may not know the words, this is how it goes:

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost, count your many blessing name them one by one , and it will surprise you what the lord hath done"

So I changed my prayer to thanking God for all of my blessings. I had a great family, the best friends, a job, a car and so many other things. I instantly began to feel better because I was able to see the great things in my life again. I went on facebook and posted those words and started my list on line. I had a friend, Rachel, give me some advice that i never have forgotten and it was the best advice I have ever gotten. She told me that when you are in this situation, take the highroad. Its sucks and its harder but in the long run, it gets you where you want to be a lot faster. I decided to take this advice to heart. I decided the first step to take is to stop talking about Fernando and to stop hearing about hat he is doing so that I could eventually just not care. That was the best advice I have ever been given because I KNOW that the reason I was able to feel better so soon was because I took the higher road. there were some points where I was angry and I wanted to key his new truck, egg his house, call his mom and tell her the real story, i even wished that I could tattoo the word CHEATER across his forehead. But what would doing any of that accomplish? Nothing. So i didn't do anything and I know that I am much better off now because I took the high road. I even asked the people who knew him and me to not even talk about him. I didn't even want to know what or how he was doing even if it was bad. I just wanted nothing more than to not care about him at all. 'I have never spoken to him again and luckily I ha vent even ran into him. So that is the end of that :)
        (haha I just left like we needed a picture haha.... yes this was a church dance... and yeah.... me being me hahaha!)

Well, I still had been inactive in church for a really long time and done some things that I shouldn't have done so i had meetings with the bishop. Every Sunday after my meeting I would go over to Sister Crosby's house ( if you didn't read the first part thins is why you need to read it lol) to talk to her. I would come over there and we would sit on the couch with my head in her lap, she would run her fingers through my hair and I would just cry like a baby. Sometimes she would cry with me if we were talking about brother Crosby. She told me how proud she was of me and how proud she knew brother Crosby was of me. She told me that if brother Crosby knew that is passing is what it would have taken to get me to come back to church he would have prayed for the Lord to take him sooner....I cried some more.  We both cried on that that one. She has so many shirts that are stained with my tears from that point in my life! She just kept on telling me how proud she was of me and how happy she was to have me back and that she knows its hard but that I can do it. I told her that I would and she would see me doing better. She said she already has. Man I love sister Crosby!

Well, you know they say that when one door closes another one opens? or the lord giveth and the lord taketh? well... he does.. at this point, my friend Jake took me to a yummy burger place, the back abbey yum yum!! for my birthday and  i told him everything that had happened. It was sooo nice to be in contact with all of my old friends again!! Jake told me that i need to have better judgement haha i told him yeah i don't really have faith in my judgement of people anymore! he said cool well i have the best friends around Mel! you should come and hang out with us!  and this is when he introduce me to his friends Brett and Tony.

 Jake Brett and Tony always listened to me and were really there for me when I needed people the most. They just listened and never judged me and let me be my crazy self. I started hanging out at Brett's house more often and it was like my home away from home. my safe place :) sometimes there was a ton of people and sometimes it was just the 4 of us. Either way, i feel like the lord blessed me with them so that I would not be bitter with men after Fernando. I had three of the best guys the lord had to offer! seriously! i dare you to find me any better ones :) i could not say that all men are jerks or are losers or that i hate all of them because i had Jake Brett and Tony! I tried to tell them how much they meant to me and i really hope that they know it! i wouldn't have picked up the pieces so fast if it wast fir them. they kept me busy and kept my mind off things.

Other shout outs need to go to Bonnie who was the one who tried to keep people from bothering me when i was inactive. When everything happened we went out to get some frozen yogurt and we talked about it and she hasn't left my side ever since! we still had yogurt date nights up until the time that I left. She , Alma and a few other people and I would go to the dances almost every weekend. She did a good job of keeping me busy too :) I would have been so lost with out her! she always remained my one key back to the church. she never let me go and never lost faith in me. everyone needs a friend like bonnie!

I also need to mention the Anderson family! for a while I was over there almost every weekend for a movie night it seemed. i miss hanging out on their big read couch! mom and dad always made me feel welcome! Daely and Forrest always made sure that i was taken care of and that I was happy! I always knew I had a place to go to take my mind off things. I also talked a lot to Forrest when i was getting through it and he provided a lot of insight for me. I truly have been blessed with some of the best people in the world!! I also want to Mention my friend Chrissy. she was laterally the one who had to put up with me the night after it happened. she was so tired because she was working  with a wedding but she just let me tag along so that I wouldn't be alone. we went shopping ans we would just talk. She had always been so supportive of me no matter what I did and just let me be me. I know that i have been crazy but Chrissy has always been my rock! and my friend Mary! oh my gosh i still cry thinking about this! The day after I found out Fernando had cheated on me, Mary found out that I was at home ( i took the day off cuz I couldn't stop crying). the door bell ran. i opened the door to see her there looking at me with tears in her eyes already. she gave me a big hug and we just cried ... i bawled she didn't even say anything to me, we just cried together! it was so nice to have a friend with me at that moment! she also brought me chocolate... like 3 different kinds! that made me feel better! and I knew I was going to be OK!

SO, with all of these people ( and way more than that ! there are just to many to name! heavenly father really took care of me through all of this even tho I didn't deserve it!) and all of the fun things I had going on, time passed and before I knew it, i was ok! I got exactly what i wanted... I was not angry I was not bitter... I was happy and i was myself again!! I am telling you, taking the high road really does get you where you want to be a lot faster!! I was sooo happy. Like BLISSFULLY happy. I had spent so long being unhappy that I vowed that I would never take my happiness for granted again! I had a great job with amazing coworkers, I had the best friends anyone could ever ask for, I had am amazingly and supportive family who out up with me, a nice car and i had JUST graduated from collage and was able to stop having my meetings with the bishop. My life was sooo good :)

The dark hole that I was in was TERRIBLE! it swallowed me up whole! I really feel like I died. It was so painful and so hard to deal with all of that at once. And as sister Crosby pointed out, i did die. That version of melaney died and a new one was born. I think I like this one much better :) and I think my family and friends would agree haha! sooo now, I am happy to report that I graduated from college... finally :) in Dec 2009... that's my grad parent :) ... it was pouring rain that day but I was sooo happy to be done!!

well I found out in April that I was accepted to BYU in the fall for the Masters in Social Work program. ... seriously, no one ever though that I would ever go to BYU or ever live in Utah haha i Am California girl to the core!!!  and even though i was completely totally active in church again, everyone knows that i still like my dirty jokes and naughty innuendos (as you can tell by my other bloggs hahah!!) so that came as a shock to all of us. It was sooo hard for me when I got my letter of acceptance because I knew that I would have to leave everything that I had been working so hard to build up again! My heart was happy but at the same time it was broken again... at least this time I was leaving for a good reason so I decided to move to Utah and go to BYU... 2 things I said id never do haha! i guess that the lord has plans for us that we don't plan for ourselves. i knew it was the right decision to come. a few weeks before I left I was talking to my friend Carlos about the temple and I felt strongly that I was my time to go to the temple. I though nawwww  that's a big commitment. but still I felt very strongly about it so I sopke with the bishop. He gave me the ok and we got the ball rolling. Once I decided to go, i prayed to heavenly father  andI know this makes me sound dumb or like a little kid but I asked him to please let brother Crosby know that I would be going to the temple. I really wanted him to know and i really wanted him to be there! So I prayed that heavenly father would pass the message along haha.... i was driving to work the next day listening to a kind of mellow song and suddenly the words "he wouldn't miss it for the world" came to my mind as clear as day! i started crying because I knew that was my answer! I was bawling!  everyone would be there :)  ( I think that deserves another bro Crosby pic  :)

On Saturday, August 14th i received my endowment in the Redlands Temple. Sister Crosby flew in to be my escort. I got to sit between my mom and sister Crosby for my first time in the temple. I also hand many other friends there. I invited all of the people who could attend who had been apart of me coming back to church. I did not feel like I would ever get there but yet there I was. Surrounded with all of the people in the world who I loved the most. It was such an emotional and spiritual experience. That was the day before I left to come to school at BYU. I could not think of a better way to leave! Surrounded by all of my loved ones in the temple of the lord! Sister Crosby was there and brother day and so was brother Crosby. I KNEW that he knew that I was doing better. That day in the temple i made some more promises but I also held up my end of the promise I made to sister Crosby. She too knew that I was doing better and that I would not let her pass on the way brother Crosby did, wondering why I never came back. To me, that was a fulfillment of a promise that I had made nearly a year ago to the day.

This is me and Sister Crosby at the temple :)

and Yes, that is Jake in the background haha!!

Happy "RE"Birthday To Me :) part 1 - my mess

This is going to be more of a serious blog than the other ones I have posted so far...so if you are looking for a laugh scroll down.... but this is probably where you are most likely to get into the Mind of Mel lol. And my friend who read this and were there for it, if I left anything out please feel free to comment hahah and my feeling won’t get hurt if you want to remind me of how stupid I was hahah!

I'm having a hard time deciding where to start! I guess I’ll start in March of 2006. This was when The Deer Creek branch was started. I was called to be the activities committee chairman for the ward. We had to build the ward from the ground up. This is when I met some of the most amazing people the Lord has to offer :) We had a super fun ward and the most amazing bishopric around..... I dare anyone to challenge me on that :) Bishop Johnson, Brother Crosby and Brother Fossen seriously are three of the most amazing men that I have ever met! I was so blessed to get to work with! I was even more blessed that I got to work especially close with Brother Crosby! I had to run a lot of my activity ideas past Brother Crosby and he was always there to lend a helping hand. Sister Crosby, his wife was in the ward also and she and I hit it off too :) I want to be just like her when I grow up... in fact she jokes with me that she is me, just, we will say 20 years earlier hahaha! I love the Crosby’s! They are like my second parents! HAHAHA remember a couple of times their daughter April would call to talk to sister Crosby and she always just happened to be with me hahaa! I went over a couple of times to help the Crosby’s set up their Christmas tree and decorate for the holidays. I don’t think that I can say enough nice things about them or even put into words the special love that I have for them!

HAHAHA I love this picture! That is sister Crosby helping me get the ribbon right on my Halloween costume. haha and she was a flower and Brother Crosby was a bee! hahaha THATS WHY WE LOVE THEM!!!! We had so much fun working hard and building the Kingdom of God in Rancho Cucamonga.

I don’t remember exactly when, I believe it was at the end of 2007 or maybe 2008 but Brother Crosby made and announcement from the pulpit on a Sunday that he had been battling with cancer for a few years now and they felt like now was a good time to let us know.  I cried when he told us and I found Brother Crosby after to ask him how bad it was and if he was just being nice and telling us he was better than he really was. He told me it was up and down but he assured me that he still had plenty of time because we had a lot of work to do still. I smiled and hugged him :)

Then I went inactive :( I had been dating a nonmember, Fernando, for about a year at this point and I started going to school at CSUSB full time and working full time. I was very busy and sadly, I allowed my church attendance to be what I gave up. Every Sunday I would receive a message from Sister Johnson or Sister Crosby asking me where I was. I knew that I was not doing what I was supposed to be doing and I didn’t like to hear about it so every time a member of the ward reached out to me, i kicked back at them. I know at this point that I had offended a lot of people but my heart was sooo hard at this point that I didn’t even care if i was hurting the people who probably cared about me the most. Luckily I was blessed with friends who also knew me well enough to just let me do my own thing. I still saw lifelong friends Chrissy and Mary regularly and they knew me well enough to just listen and let me be a punk haha they never judged me but just loved me and listened to my frustrations even if they disagreed with me.
 I was so blessed to have a Relive Society president who was also my best friend, Bonnie who I should email almost every day at work. I told her about what people were doing that was pushing me away. I was getting letters, emails texts, random visits. I felt like I was under constant surveillance haha! It was really very irritating (if you are Mormon and reading this... DONT do that to inactive people it only pushes them away) so at that point even when i could go to church I didn’t want to. I had gotten very mean. I will admit it. But i had always planned on coming back to church and i would make the occasional visit to sacrament just to keep people off my case. Bonnie just emailed me and listened to me and did what she could on her end to get people to stop bugging me. She has told me several times that she always knew I would come back. I thank God every day for the people who had more faith in me than I had in myself.
So, let me tell you about Fernando. He was not a member of my church. I met him while I was working with the YMCA and we had fun. I was so happy and I loved him very much... in the beginning.

We were together for 3 years and things were really hard between us because i was working and going to school and he was too. He was not an emotional person and i am a very emotional person. He never wanted to talk about out problems but i needed too. HAHA some people who are reading this are probably looking back and remembering all of the times I called them crying because I didn’t know what to do. Once you spend 3 years with a person it becomes very hard to just let it end without fighting for it... and trust me we fought haha. But at the same time, things had gotten better and in 2009 i was happier with him than I had been in a long time. We were even talking about getting married. He is where I got my love for Hispanics from... well at least his family. I LOVED his family! They were the sweetest people! He is the one who introduced me to the Dodgers and gave me my love for baseball. So, people ask me why you stayed with him for so long if you fought so much. Well because we still had some really great times :) and they were getting better!
Until September 2009. Just a couple of weeks before my birthday, I got a call from my friend Tanya (who knew me and Fernando). She told me that we needed to talk, She told me she had a conversation with a friend of hers who worked with Fernando too that made her think that Fernando was cheating on me. I called him from work to ask him if it was true. He denied it and said he would never hurt me that way and that those girls are just drama and he wouldn’t do anything to risk our relationship like that. So I believed him but I made him promise me that he wasn’t lying. I told him that i don’t want to hate him but if i find out he’s lying id never talk to him again. He swore that he wasn’t. I asked him if i went to the school and talked to the girl he was accused of cheating on me with, would she tell me that nothing happened. He said they are drama and she would lie to me too and he asked to just stay away so that I wouldn’t get caught in the middle of it. He had never lied to be before so I believed him and i trusted him, I knew he would never do anything like that to me so I promised him that I wouldn’t go.
My friend Nadia, at work told me that I don’t really owe him anything and that I’m going to want to know for sure or it would always be nagging in the back of my mind. I knew she was right so I didn’t the boldest thing I have ever done in my life and I went down to the school to talk to the girl. She was really very nice and she was very honest with me. She told me that yes she had been seeing him but she didn’t know about me because he told her that we broke up a long time ago and that he and I were just friends. So apparently he had been cheating on me for about 4 months... no wonder things were getting better between us, he was feeling guilty! I called him and he wasn’t even man enough to answer the phone. I’m glad now that he didn’t pick up the phone. But I just wished him good luck in life and I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for him and asked him not to call me or to talk to me. And he hasn’t.
OUCH! That hurt soooo bad. I was a freaking mess! I didn’t know what to do! I don’t even remember what I did! My poor friends who had to listen to me! I must have sounded so pathetic! I NEVER thought he would do that to me! It blindsided me. Luckily, we had a long weekend that weekend for Labor Day. So i spent the day with my sisters and her friends just to get out of the house. I was still numb but trying to get on with my life. It had just been like 2 or 3 days but I was determined not to let it consume me.
While I was with them on Labor Day, I got a call informing me that brother Crosby had died. OMG. I remember thinking to myself, heavenly father! Can’t I get a break? I lost it. I was a mess. I didn’t even know where to being to even deal with this. I had been inactive for the last like 3 years! Brother Crosby never got to see me come back to church! I never got to hug him that one last time or tell him that I loved him or remind him of how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I had so many different feeling all at once! Hate, anger, betrayal, denial, sadness, mistrust, loneness from Fernando and then to lump on massive guilt, grief , sorrow, regret,  more sadness and loss because I lost a great friend. I didn’t even know where to begin to pick up the pieces of what was left of my heart.
I went into work the following Monday and talked to my boss who was a member of my church as well because I didn’t know what else to do. Bishop Johnsons’ father had passed away so he was out of town and I needed so SERIOUS help. So I talked to my boss and i told him everything. He and i were not close but I was very grateful to have him there because he did help me a lot. He reminded me of the plan of salvation and that I would see Brother Crosby again and that Fernando is a wanker. I cried and he just helped me remember who I am and helped me come up with basically a plan of attack to get my life back in order. He called his brother in and they gave me a blessing and I was sooo glad that they did because from there I gained my clarity (I’ll explain that in part 2).
So, as part of the healing process, some of the Deer Creek OGs (Original Gangstas) who helped form the branch back in march and knew Brother Crosby really well decided to hold a memorial service for him in the park a couple of days later. We all gathered together to eat thrifty ice cream (he worked for them lo) and to make a notebook for the Crosby family and to share our favorite memories of Brother Crosby with each other. It was so nice to see everyone! We all cried and laughed and cried haha.... then the Crosby family showed up including Sister Crosby. She spoke to all of us and told us how we had kept him alive longer than they had planned because we kept him busy and alive. She looked around at everyone in the room. When she got to me her eyes filled up with tears. She pointed at me and said "He wanted to know why! Why you never came back." and i lost it! I was so ashamed I couldn’t even look one of my favorite people in the world in the eyes! She was hurting so much and I was i no place to even be there for her. I hadn’t spoken to her in such a long time! I felt terrible on top of terrible! I can’t even explain it. This i guess is what they call rock bottom.
Everyone slowly made their way over to Sister Crosby to offer their condolences to Sister Crosby after everyone had finished talking about Brother Crosby. As everyone left I cleaned up and said my I’m sorry to some of my friend that I had offended. When pretty much everyone was gone Sister Crosby came and found me and gave me the Sister Crosby look. I started crying again harder than I had cried during any of it. I just hugged her and we cried! I told her that I was so soooo sorry and that i am so sad that he never got to see me do any better and that I wasn’t there for him and that i never got to say good bye and that he never knew how much i loved him. She grabbed my crying face while I was bawling and through her tears she told me "he does Melaney he does. He knows it now." I made her a promise right then and there that I should be better! That he would know that I am doing better and I promised Sister Crosby that I would not let her go out the same way. I promised her that she would see me change and that she would see me do better. I learned a lot that night about unconditional love and forgiveness. I was so amazed that Sister Crosby had just lost her husband and here she was telling me that I would be ok.



I keep a copy of this picture framed on my nightstand in a frame that says "Good Things Will Happen Today" It just reminds me of the promise that I made to myself  and to Brother and Sister Crosby That I would do better and that they would know it. 

Only at BYU.....

This is kind of like "Things I said today, only some of them are things OTHER people said :) I will start with the things that I said... But I believe in giving credit where credit is due :)

"Oh my Idol Thoughts...."
We were in class and  my professor was talking about how we will be judged not only on our actions and the intentions of our heart but we will also be judged by our idol thoughts.... I turned around to my friend Mandi and said "Oh my idol thoughts!" then Mandi looked at me and said with a straight face "Oh yeah, You are in TROUBLE!" Then we both started laughing. She said it so matter-of-factly- hhah!! yeah its true, I'm in trouble lol...but oh no! I think my classmates may be on to me now..... :)

"I Have Gas"
So our MSW class is divided up into 2 groups 1. Bachelor in Social Work (BSW) Students who have already done the Skill's Classes and 2. Other Bachelor degree students, like me....My degree is In sociology. So, For one class, The non BSW students are already in the class cuz we had the class before in that same room. The BSW students join us in the next class. So, I was already sitting there and My friend Jessica (BSW) sat down in the seat behind me. RIGHT as she just sat down I turned around and told her, "Hey just a heads up, I have gas." She just looked at me and laughed and said " HAHA well, Ok thanks for the warning!" hahah she handled that so well! I told her I was kidding and that I was impressed by how ok she was with that lol.... She said, "Yeah a few years ago that would have grossed me out, but Melaney,  I'm married, that stuff doesn't bother me anymore!" HAHA! sooooo true! lol we were both laughing!

"OOOOh Im so attracted to that guy!"
We were watching a skills development movie in my class and one of the students in the film  was a Hispanic guy with bleached hair, tattoos, eyebrow piercings and spacers in his ears. I turned around to my friend Mandi (Yes same one, poor girl! Hahah eventually she is going to stop sitting by me! Who would blame her lol) So I turned to her and said "OOOOh I am SOOOO attracted to that guy!" And Mandi being the witty girl that she is, said "HAHA yeah YOU would be!" haha I think that Mandi may have my number...

Ok these are just some funny things that were said in my classes ... lol who said Mormons don't have a sense of humor :)

"I saw a person on crutches  and I DID not kick them out from under the person!"
We were learning about the defense mechanisms that people use and how they serve a purpose. People use them because they need them. It is like a crutch that people use when they can not cope with what they are dealing with. My professor said that you can not make people stop using defense mechanisms until they are ready to deal with the problem with out it. he said " I saw a man on crutches yesterday and I didn't run up to him and kick his crutches out from under him and yell him 'YOU HAVE LEGS USE THEM!'' haha yeah it was a good object lesson but the mental image of this professor running up to someone on crutches and yelling that at him had us cracking up

This one I cant really make a title for it  but its still funny...
We were talking in class about how to get a sample size big enough to do research on. There are a lot of different ways to do thins and some of them involve getting a list of people in the area. So my teacher asked, "What are some ways that I could get a list of all of the people in Utah County?" people yelled things like the phone book, the census etc... but one person yelled "The ward directories!" hahaha ONLY in Utah would a ward directory actually get you a complete list of people in the area hahah!!

Things I Said Today: General Confrence Edition

YEY!!! Im so excited the its General Conference time! I love to here the men of the church speak to us! AND this time it was awesome to me because I got to have my first visitors from California :) Its was soooo great to see a lot of my friends this weekend! SOOOOo today I drove in to Salt Lake to meet up with Tony and some of his friends ( so he can vouch that all of these things are true haha)

"We were going to prostitute ourselves for conference tickets."
Tony and I had some lunch and were crossing the street back to Temple Square and a couple of girls asked us if we had any extra tickets for the second session. I said, "no, but we are gonna walk this corner and prostitute ourselves for conference tickets. You guys can take that corner if you want to." one of the girls looked at me ans said "What?!" it was a ummmm did I hear you correctly kind of tone haaha! SOOOO I repeated myself and they both looked at me like umm wow are you for real? hahah so Tony tryingto save the situation told the girls that he saw some guys passing out tickets by The Joseph Smith Memorial building ad that as girls they shouldn't have any problem getting tickets. So, I chimed in and said, "Yea especially if you just show a little leg...that will get you WHATEVER you want." They thanked tony and walked across the street and Tony told me, "Yeah Mel, that one needs to go in your blog." hahah sooo, here it is!


"Oooooooh Id like to make him be disobedient"
We were sitting between the tabernacle and the temple listening to the 2nd half of conference. We talked with some sister missionaries but then some elders came and sat along the wall across the way from us. One of them was a super cute Tongan or poly elder. oooooh man he was cute! lol Tony caught us exchange a look hahaha! it was innocent so don't worry  haha... then salesi (a friend of mine from CA ) came over unexpected! I gave him a bug hug and told him that i was diggin that elder. Salesi said, "ehhh you don't want to talk to him Mel, hes disobedient." I asked him how hes disobedient, salesi said because his hair is just a few inches to long. So, I told Salesi, "well if hes disobedient, then ooooooooh id like to make him be disobedient!... hhah don't judge me! you know we have all thought an elder or sister missionary was cute! haha

"He wants to get in my pants"
While we were sitting there listen to conference, some sister missionaries came by and were talk to us and asked me if I had any nonmember friends (hahah if you aren't Mormon and you are reading this and you get a call from some sister missionaries from my church... now you will know why! hahaha!) so I gave her a list. They wanted to know more info about each one. SO, I told her about each one. I said this one I would marry if he was a member, this one I wouldn't date because he hes not Mormon and these guys have heard about the church because we went out but stopped dating cuz it wont go anywhere. Then I told her well, this guy, I don't know he just wants to get into my pants. lol she looked so shocked at me. I really was just being serious haha!!  she told me, ok well we will just leave that part out when we call him... hahah!!

Lol ok this one is something Tony said:
We sat down to listen to conference and the grass was some funny weird moss like grass that was really soft and kinda fuzzy. I leaned over to tony and told him hey touch the grass..... now, tony being basically the male version of me, did not hear grass... infact he just heard the last 3 letters hahah! so he looked at me and said WHAT? I said touch the grass .... hahaha I could see by the look in his face that he wasn't hearing grass haha! her said yeah mel that's not what im hearing haha! I told him I think you hear what you wanna hear.